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Monday, 07 January 2008

  • I guess for some xanga IS dying

    Oh well, may even be better for me.  Gives me a chance to vent some more without being so cautious with my words maybe.  And yet even now as I beging to write, my thoughts are flying so rapid around my head that I can't seem to catch a single one of them long enough to write them down.  I know I do need to gaurd my words as I'm really not feeling well today.  I'm actually was supposed to go to work today but feel so nauseated and having bouts of freezing and sweating that I chose to stay home.  Not to mention the headache and earache.  Anyway, I know that when I am not feeling well I tend to get real nasty with my words not caring about anyone else but myself.  Maybe I need to go to counseling with these "issues" that I have.  This month marks the 7th anniversary of my father's passing.  There are times when it still hurts like hell!  And come February, the anniversary of another loss in our family.  Stages of grief include bargaining, anger, denial.....and right now I am angry!  This person was welcomed into our home and welcomed in as an actual part of our family.  Then this person betrayed our deepest trust with a particular incident of wich I can't go into detail to "protect the innocent(s)" involved.  There was then another incident and this person was encouraged to get help which never happened.  Now they are living a "new life" acting like nothing ever happened.  They even lied repeatedly to me saying things that have now been proven to be lies.  Why do they do this?  Do they not realize just how two faced they are being?  What really sucks is how many people this person has remained "friends".  It sucks that I know what this person did and they continue to act like it's no big deal and the people that they have remained friends with here have no clue!!  They still come off as this really "cool" fun loving person while my heart is ripped in two!  And this person blames all their problems on me and has even told others that I'm the one with the problem.  They can get away with this because I refuse to tell everyone what they have done.  There are a few and I repeat a FEW who do know, but this person has purposely stayed in contact with those that they know are the closest to my family.  Ok, I can tell I'm starting to ramble and I'm getting tired again.  Hope this is a short lived virus, I've got work to do.   

Sunday, 25 November 2007

  • They say that grieving can take a long time some times and that we work back and forth through the stages of grief.  I find I am definitely living in that state.  February 4th will mark a day that my family took a true spiritual hit, one that has resulted in the "loss" of one that is still dear in our hearts.  I continue to pray God's will in the whole situation though the road has been long and extremely painful.  I will not lie.  The pain and feeling of loss and even betrayel is still there and some days still affects my ministry and how I relate to others.  It is not always easy to open your home to others, to love them, to trust them with...well everything and then to have that ripped out from under you.  Then to see them repeat the patterns and run away yet again........I can remeber so many, many conversations in which I was asked why someone seems to keep going through the same things over and over again and again.  I've listened to them question God each time it happens.  We've talked about these things yet again they run.  Father, they are out of my hands, as always.  I pray that you deal with them in WHATEVER way you see fit no matter what as pray they come back fully to you.  And if it be your will Father...restore our friendship again.  The family misses them!  May they see your hand in everything Father even during times that you bring them to their knees.  Father bring me to my knees and show me I beg you if I was wrong in any of this so that I to may come to repentance as well!  Help me to remove the log from my own eyes that I am sure is there.

Friday, 02 November 2007

  • November 2, 2007

     

    Spiritual Tennis

    By Van Walton

     

    “My God is my rock, in whom I find protection. He is my shield, the power that saves me, and my place of safety. He is my refuge, my savior, the one who saves me from violence.”  2 Samuel 2:23 (NLT)

     

    Devotion:

    I used to play tennis twice a week. I stopped playing several years ago. With my busy schedule, it became too much a juggle to commit to weekly games. There is another type of tennis I now find myself playing - I call it “spiritual tennis.”

     

    I have been often told I’m hyper-sensitive, defensive, or insecure. I have been told that I take comments too seriously or personally. “Can’t you take a joke?”  “Don’t be so serious.”  “You are too thin skinned.” 

     

    Come to think about it, I can get my feelings hurt easily! Now I certainly do not want to ever become hard-hearted or callous to life. I would rather be sympathetic than unfeeling. But the truth is, sometimes other’s statements hit my mind, piercing my heart like purposefully directed missiles. It doesn’t take much to wound me. Sadly, once I’m emotionally injured my focus becomes my pain – to the extent that I become incapacitated for hours, days, or maybe months. During recovery my life is rendered worthless.

     

    You are now wondering, “What do hurt feelings have to do with tennis?” 

     

    The game of tennis consists of two to four people competing against one another from opposite sides of the court. With the help of rackets, players smash, smack, and hurl the tennis ball back and forth with so much force as to cause the rival to move out of the way and, hopefully, return the ball.

     

    Back and forth, back and forth goes the ball. A player scores when (s)he hits the ball with such force that the opposing player finds it impossible to deflect the ball. I can still hear my tennis coach. “All you have to do is return the ball.” That meant that I had to properly position my racket at an exact angle that would bounce the ball, sending it across the net and hopefully into a corner of the opposing court where my opponent could not reach it.

     

    One day I got hit by the ball. Ouch! I couldn’t continue to play. I was incapacitated for days. Had my racket been in place, it would have shielded me and I would have averted the injury. 

     

    The racquet used for spiritual tennis is spelled S.H.I.E.L.D. When perceived insults, demeaning comments, or I-was-just-playing-with-you jokes fly at me, threatening to put me out of the game, I can be the winner rather than the loser. I position my “shield” to deflect the attack, refusing it to allow it to destroy me.

     

    Unlike tennis, spiritual tennis, does not seek to destroy the opponent.  Once I realized I could raise my shield and strike the comments, without returning insults or defending myself, I began to experience victory and walk with dignity rather than in despair. 

     

    I hold up my shield like this:

     

    Say nothing to insult.

    Hide myself in God and His dignity.

    Intervene in prayer for the one who is “smacking” the ball at me.

    Expect God’s comfort when I tell Him about my wounded spirit. 

    Listen for God’s wisdom.

    Discuss my feelings with the one whose words or actions have hurt me.  

     

    Maybe you don’t “wear your feelings on your sleeves” as much as I do but, possibly you can relate to my malady. If so, the next time you are zinged with a comment that can hurt your feelings, purpose to put your “shield” up. 

     

    Almighty God, You tell me to put on the shield. Without Your protection I perish. Show me when and how to use the shield you have given me. In Jesus’ Name, Amen.

Tuesday, 16 October 2007

Friday, 05 October 2007

  • So little time

    My so called "substitute" position is actually a part-time position and that's fine.  Unfortunately, I have not had the time to tlak with everyone as I wish to do, so PLEASE be patient with me as I try to get this schedule figured out.  Thank you all so much for your prayers for Jim and for the car.  I need to leave right now to go take care of all that, and get ready for the WOF trip tomorrow.  Will try to catch up with everyone soon!!!

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